Sunshine in the Haze

It’s not rare for me to drop off my little platform for a month or two, but there’s an exciting announcement this time.

With full hearts, my husband and I get to shout from the rooftops about our new addition. What a way to bring in Spring—a brand new life forming inside my womb.

I’ve had a whole lot of nausea, brain-fog, fatigue, and a crazy amount of new emotions, but we couldn’t be happier! During this fragile time, I’ve been trying to come up with the right words to say. Some of them came naturally. Others did not.

We Laugh At the Times to Come | Praying Proverbs 31

My entire marriage I’ve wanted to be the wife who laughs in the face of Satan’s schemes, but I never thought I’d experience it for the first time in only two years and six months of marriage. I thought, surely, I had to be a 60-year-old woman before I’d laugh in the face of fear.

On March 4th, we got two pink lines. We were at my parents house when we got those amazing lines, so we got to tell my family and celebrate for a few days before flying back home. Being 800 miles away from my family, I didn’t think I’d get to celebrate with them so early. The way God moves in my life leaves me in awe daily.

While I have peace that I’ve never felt before, anxiety is also at an all-time high. It’s crazy to be carrying a new generation inside of me. We’ve known from the moment that God called us to start trying for a family that our child is heavily anointed.

But the fear of losing this sweet baby has gripped me firmly even before conceiving. This fear is real and deep. I know this baby’s life will glorify my King—I will stand for nothing else—but I don’t know if they will glorify Him through their life or their death.

As I sat on my broken gray couch, a spring recently losing its bounce, at 5 weeks + 1 day pregnant, craving pickles and clementines, my husband came to me with a long face. He had been working on our vehicle off and on that day. “The ball-joints are going out again after just a year, the Jeep needs new tires, and…” The list went on.

As he explained all the things that were suddenly falling apart, my chest tightened with him, but then, out of nowhere, laughter filled me. I laughed until tears brimmed my eyes. My husband simply stared at me, waiting for me to stop laughing at our problems.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not laughing at you. I just started thinking… I think our baby’s going to live, and Satan hates it. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he doesn’t know the future, but he’s still angry that we have an anointed child.”

And in that very moment, I fulfilled my desire to resemble Proverbs 31:25.

Strength and honor are her clothing,
and she can laugh at the time to come.

Proverbs 31:25, CSB

I don’t know if this precious child of ours will get to experience the outside of my womb (Job also lost), but I do know that Satan’s attempts to steal what’s to come are fruitless.

How beautiful is it that the generation to come from my husband and I is so anointed by God’s Hand that Satan trembles at the thought of it?

I laugh.

I laugh, not because I know the future, but because my Lord, my Savior didn’t just save my soul; He is the savior of my finances, health, and fears. How dare Satan think he could steal the joy of the ordained and anointed? He cannot.

For evildoers shall be cut off;
But those who wait on the Lord,
They shall inherit the earth.
For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more.
But the meek shall inherit the earth,
And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

The wicked plots against the just,
And gnashes at him with his teeth.
The Lord laughs at him,
For He sees that his day is coming.

Psalms 37:9-13, NKJV

And When You’re Still Scared, Remember the Birds

Despite my moments of being able to laugh in the face of fear, the week leading up to our first ultrasound had me in a frantic haze.

In the quietness of no pictures and no tiny kicks, the anxiety of what ifs started to pound at my heart’s door harder than I’ve ever experienced. Around the same time, a red bird showed up in our front yard. The first time it appeared my face and chest were tight with fear and grief, yet I smiled a little at that sweet bird.

As the days went by, this little red bird and sometimes his wife, showed up every morning. This bird would stare at me through the window and hold eye-contact for a solid 15-30 seconds before flying off. I started to anticipate this red bird’s presence every afternoon.

The day before the ultrasound, a jumble of emotions tormenting my soul, this red bird appeared AGAIN. This time, I grabbed my prayer journal and Bible. As I prayed, I remembered Matthew 6.

“Therefore I tell you: Don’t worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothing? Consider the birds of the sky: They don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they? Can any of you add one moment to his life span by worrying?

Matthew 6:25-27 (CSB), emphasis added

And now that we’ve gotten to see our bean, it makes me realize how easy it is to make up scenarios without any proof. Our minds can be a trippy place, so I’m thankful for the simplicity of Jesus’s reminder in Matthew 6, and the simplicity of birdwatching, for that matter.

To this day, I believe God sent that bird just for me.

Counting Down the Days to Baby Sunshine

Welcome to the world, our sweet baby. We’re excited to carry you through this hectic life! ❤️

Your mom and dad love you beyond measure. You have a huge, supportive family counting down the days ’til your arrival, especially your Mimi.

And to my dear readers who have stuck with me through all life’s big changes, my prayer is that more baby news and stories are to come!

Keep praying & hoping,

Autumn Rebecca