Sunshine in the Haze

My husband takes my waist from behind, swaying to a song we once danced to when we were children, and my mind rushes to my heart’s desire—a sweet baby swaddled and crying in the other room.

Everyone says you’ll know when it’s time to have children by the way it’s the worst time possible. If that’s the case, I can’t wait for the worst day of my life.

I pray for the Lord to open my womb to a new generation marked by the blood of His Son, the Healer that came as a babe to restore our souls back to the Kingdom, not curses and fears. I hope for the day the Lord made to reveal two precious pink lines on a test that will change our world.

I choose to believe that God created me with this profound longing with good intention, not for my weeping. I believe when the time is right, He will call my sweet husband and I to start a family… just like I believe my sisters-in-Christ will conceive despite what the doctors say.

I often feel fearful that I will carry only to lose. It runs in my family to lose the most delicate gifts. I wonder if I’ll tell everyone the moment I see pink, or if I’ll hide the bundle of joy until I’m confident…

But God keeps reminding me that every blessing, even if it only stays for a moment, is worthy of His praise—worthy of a rooftop celebration. Instead of worrying if we’ll have a Christmas baby, I feel urged to enjoy the blessing of the babe that’s already been swaddled in cloth and laid in a manger.

Just as my Father in heaven laid down His only Son, I’m called to lay my Isaac and Samuel on the altar before they ever arrive. If they come only to be a fractured part of my testimony, I will rejoice alongside the bitter longing for just a touch of their fingers. If they come to stay, I will rejoice alongside the agony of watching my body stretch and change into the beast of the unknown.

In this Christmas season, I remember Mary’s song, my favorite song in the Bible, where she blessed the Lord with her tongue despite the ridicule and fear she faced. I pray my soul is a magnifying glass to the Lord’s might no matter my tribulations. I pray for such a lowly state that every fiber in my bones knows the Lord sees me and the generations I will bear, whether through labor pains or a battle with a broken system.

Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.

Luke 1:45, NKJV

For now, there may not be a onesie announcing our first child under our Christmas tree, but there will be a few gifts meant for a lowly man and woman in their quiet home, and I will rejoice over that blessing too.

So how do I enter each day—and perhaps this new year, with a heart that desires something that God hasn’t given me yet? I’ll enter with both hands pointed towards the Lord’s Kingdom. Only the Lord provides perfect timing, not my husband’s efforts or mine.

The point of this post isn’t to illuminate my disappointment, it’s to bring to light the importance of laying every desire at the feet of the King. It’s to remind us that December 25th and January 1st are not just days on the calendar; they are a reminder to rejoice. God is doing something in the background! All you and I have to do is sit at the altar with all our cards on the table.

What is consuming your thoughts right now? How can you release your dreams and heartbreaks into God’s hands this upcoming year?