Sunshine in the Haze

Having a house full of babies has been a fantasy of mine since I was 7. 

I was so enraptured with the idea that I used to walk around with a basketball under my shirt all day, pretending it was a pregnancy bump, so imagine my shock when I realized that my lifelong fantasy has become a sinful posture in my current season of life.

To clarify, I am NOT talking about infertility, miscarriages, or anything similar. That is a different story.

In this blog post, I’m talking about why my personal desire for a baby has become ungodly even though many Christians believe we were created to multiply.

I’ll also be teaching you how to apply the lessons I’m learning the hard way to your life no matter the circumstances, so you don’t end up in the same position.

Whether you are actively pursuing a goal or you’re struggling through slow days, are you unknowingly following a string of sinful behavior that you think is “perfectly normal”?

How I Realized My Sinful Posture

Every waking day, I think about my nieces and nephew and wonder if my decision to wait a little longer before kids is actually the right choice. This is rooted in me coming from a large and loud family of 7.

Moving away from that and into a home with just my husband has been a challenge.

God has blessed us in everyway. Everything in my life is literally perfect, yet I feel unfulfilled.

Instead of rejoicing in this beautiful season, I ridicule it for being so slow and quiet. Every mom tells me they would kill for some of my peace, but somehow that doesn’t help.

I look at my (mostly) clean living room and crave for a baby gate and too many toys to fill the empty space.

My eat-in kitchen could have a few more smashed peas on the floor and a couple more dishes beside the sink.

I crave a bassinet beside my bed instead of a mere phone charger.

These are the random things I grew up around. A clean but lived-in home.

After a while of constantly thinking about babies, I started to realize how draining and even sinful it is.

Thinking about babies non-stop may not seem bad enough to call sinful. Sin is such a big word!

But it’s not the desire for kids that’s sinful.

This season is one God gave me, so I feel convicted looking at it as anything but a blessing. This season is NOT a burden or a waiting period, but I’ve taken on this mindset anyways.

For you, this posture might not be rooted in waiting to have kids. You might be struggling with:

• Moving to a new state and having a hard time finding a Biblically solid church to connect with.
• God calling you to take a step back from something to rest.
• Learning how to stop burning out and choosing God’s way of productivity.

What I’m Learning From the Slow, Quiet Days

The days I sit and twiddle my thumbs, wondering if the silence will break me, I’m not fulfilling what God has called me to do.

God has not called me to be a mom yet.

The reality is, God may never call me to be a mom.

When I take the time to reflect on the days I’m eaten up by my grief of not living in motherhood, I notice three sinful thought patterns:

1. I’m envious of someone else’s journey. I’m comparing my calling—the sacred place God has put me—to a stranger’s sacred calling. They are different things and that is good. It is not up to me to wish away my calling.
2. Motherhood has become an idol. I start to worship this idea of idyllic and chaotic moments alike, thinking it’s okay because I’m not just looking at the good aspects. However, no matter which way I look at it, if I would become angry at God if He said no, it’s an idol. Being angry is one thing; being angry at Him, thinking He’s a bad Father, is another thing.
3. Along the same lines, I’m trying to find purpose and fulfillment in something on Earth, creating my own plan, rather than rooting my identity and worth in my Sovereign Creator. My purpose and fulfillment is not in a title. My purpose and fulfillment is in Christ alone.

To move away from these thought patterns, it requires me to give up my hopes and dreams into the hands of God, Who can and will do prosperous things for His glory… Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

In the moments of wrestling with my desire to jump ahead in the timeline, I try to remember that God tells the waves to crash and the sun to rise. If He desires me to raise up another warrior for His name’s sake, He will reveal it to my husband and I when the time is right.

A couple of months ago, God gave me a Psalm as I sat in the very last row of church. I heard a quiet, “Psalm 127.”

Without a clue of what it was, I looked it up…

Unless the Lord builds the house,

They labor in vain who build it;

Unless the Lord guards the city,

The watchman stays awake in vain.

It is vain for you to rise up early,

To sit up late,

To eat the bread of sorrows;

For so He gives His beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,

So are the children of one’s youth.

Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;

They shall not be ashamed,

But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127

And that’s when I realized that my efforts to build my home and lifestyle are fruitless if I have not committed them to the Lord. Likewise, children are not something my husband and I get to just decide is our next move like a chess pawn. Children are a blessing!

This period is not for waiting because it’s the time to be building my faith and relationship with God. It’s time to focus on the tasks at hand, not fret about the future that may or may not happen.

For me, the tasks at hand are:

• BEING A HOMEMAKER. A homemaker isn’t only for mamas. According to Titus 2, which I’m still studying, it’s what women are called to be. That looks different for every woman, but it’s an important part of our calling. Hear: not purpose, but one of my callings. More on that in a minute.
• FINISHING MY HOME. Who’s to say whether our house will be finished with its construction and decoration before we have a kid, but I do know that my husband and I desire to continue working towards its completion one step at a time.
• HEALING FROM CONSTANT ANXIETY. I have lived in constant anxiety for a long time, addicted to its wreckless ways. I’m working on believing that my God plans to heal me from deep-rooted anxiety. God has given me this time, so I want to use it to learn how to help myself and my future kids when fears arise.
• EMBRACING MY TRUE PURPOSE. I’ve tossed around the word purpose on my blog a lot, but I still struggle with it to this day. Yes, I write and am called to be a good wife and homemaker, but I’m constantly trying to stick my purpose in things rather than God Himself. I cannot find fulfillment in writing, motherhood, or even being a “good person”. Fulfillment comes from God alone.  My purpose is to glorify God in everything I do, calling or not.
• BUILDING MY COMMUNITY. This goes hand-in-hand with healing from anxiety. Social anxiety is a big part of it. I’m growing my community everyday by simply battling Satan and choosing to follow where God is leading me inside my church, but it takes a lot of intentionality to truly embrace the community He wants to give me.
• HOLDING SPACE FOR THE PRESENT. It’s hard to resist falling into the temptation that RIGHT NOW isn’t good enough or glorifying God enough, but if I’m following God’s call, right now is enough. I want to appreciate the tadpoles God has put in my pond, my husband’s arm around my shoulders in our silent house, and the clean floor in the dining room. Right now is sacred.

While these are the things I’m tackling, I want it to be boldly stated that if God calls my husband and I to have a family tomorrow, then we will embrace it happily (and probably a bit fearfully).

We’re not on any form of timeline other than God’s timeline and that’s exactly the way we want it.

4 Steps to Appreciate Where You’re At

This blog post is a little bit everywhere and very specific to my circumstances, but the principal of learning to appreciate where you are applies to everyone.

To make things more digestible, here are four ways you can apply this post to any situation in your life.

Step one: Identify your idols

As I explained earlier, when I reflect on my fantasies, more often than not, there is an idol that has come between my desire for God’s will.

Your idol might be easy to identify (a relationship, fear, etc.), but it could be harder to see. Pray for discernment and how to go about placing God back in His rightful seat in your life—the driver’s seat.

Step two: Write a list of your tasks

If you want to use this time wisely, you need a clear set of tasks you want to tackle. I’m not talking about finally putting away those clothes that have been sitting in a hamper for three weeks—you really should do that though.

I’m talking about those big tasks. Spiritual tasks or tasks that are disguised as physical but are actually spiritual.

For me, a big physical task that is also spiritual is finishing our house. It ties into rebuking the spirit of laziness and impatience.

Step three: Make space for God’s timeline

God’s timeline is better than your own. The college that seems so cool may hold the person who will lead you astray. That house you applied for may have a whole lot more problems than good. The baby you’ve been praying for may be in a stranger’s womb who has already located the nearest Safe Haven Baby Box.

As you go throughout your day, make space for prayer.

Make space for the moments of worshipping your Creator for what He has already given you.

As hard as it is, don’t merely focus on what’s next. Make space to slow down and appreciate the little moments that lead to the next thing.

Step four: Put on the armor of God

Last month, my husband and I got to be camp counselors for 4th-6th graders. We talked a lot about friendship and putting on the armor of God. Even though it was directed towards the kids, I also learned a thing or two.

Putting on the armor of God is a MUST every single day. How do you put on this armor?

• Belt: Read God’s Word daily
• Breastplate: Follow God’s Word daily
• Shoes: Be courageous and ready to do whatever God says
• Shield: Have strong faith to be able to extinguish every attack from the evil one
• Helmet: Be penetrated and anointed by Jesus’s sanctification, not just going through the motions
• Sword: Allow the Holy Spirit to work in you through prayer and the Word of God.

It’s a little redundant for a reason. These things matter for the furtherance of God’s Kingdom and our spiritual safety!

Conclusion

Wanting something isn’t sinful; walking around with envy, idolatry, and an earthly mentality is.

I had gotten to a point in my relationship with God that I kind of felt like I didn’t have any sinful habits, but that should’ve been my warning that I absolutely did.

If this is you, 1) pray for discernment, 2) identify what God wants you to do about it, 3) make space for praise, and 4) walk in the full armor of God for the furtherance of His Kingdom and your spiritual safety.

Thank you so much for reading! What is one thing that bring you joy in this slower season of your life? How is this season a blessing?