After being married for two years now, I still feel the same butterfly love for my husband as I did when we were dating. While we may be relaxed into our vows at this point, marriage has only amplified our connection and desire for each other.
When we were dating, I remember stressing SO. HARD. I wanted to please God on everything we did, but I often found myself wondering how I could please myself within the boundaries of “purity”.
This mindset became my downfall.
While my husband and I are happy to say we saved sex for marriage, we still have regrets. There’s no true manual for dating in the Bible, and that made me angrier than anything in my dating years. I wanted God to have a Bible verse for every question I had:
- Is kissing before marriage wrong?
- Can we sit with our legs touching? 🙈
- What does dressing modestly look like step-by-step?
- Is holding my boyfriend’s arm too much? (Yes, somehow this was a fear.)
While I can’t answer these questions for you (that’s between you and God), I can help you learn how to answer them for yourself.
For my husband and I, dating was the hardest part of our relationship. While we embraced being light-hearted, we saved all the fun for marriage. Dating is for hard questions and soul-searching.
Read the Bible for Yourself
Hearing your church talk about saving yourself for marriage is one thing, but leaning into Scripture and God’s own heart for yourself is wildly different.
There were things that I misinterpreted through the years without even realizing it until I dug deeper into Scripture for myself.
Pray for Guidance
I know it can be frustrating, but prayer is the biggest gift during the dating years. The Bible states the obvious, but I believe that God created dating (or courtship) to be an opportunity to lean into Him heavily for extra guidance.
When I decided to finally pray and surrender my relationship to God, I was shocked by how involved He was in my love life.
Pray for God to convict you about anything you may be doing that He doesn’t see fit for you. Invite your partner to pray with you. A good rule of thumb is to follow the lead of whoever feels convicted or uncomfortable about something, even if it doesn’t make sense to the other person.
There were a lot of things I felt convicted about that my boyfriend didn’t, but now that we’re married, he admits he was a bit blinded by his own desires.
Be Aware of Temptations
Sexual temptation is a real thing. Being tempted doesn’t mean you have done something wrong; it simply means you are human. God created you with sexual hormones, so you don’t have to feel guilty for being attracted to your partner (talking to you, 14-year-old me).
However, you need to be rooted in God, so you can be strong enough to respond correctly to the nagging temptations. Move away from the situation, thank God for His beautiful creation, and pray for help to embrace His perfect design.
Temptation comes at different times and places for everyone, but a few common situations that could cause stronger temptations are: Being in bed together, making out, and being alone together when you’re both sleepy.
Create a Space of Open Communication
If you are struggling with temptation, you MUST. BE. ABLE. TO. COMMUNICATE. IT. You and your partner should be able to talk about anything that’s bothering you without condemnation. Instead, uphold, encourage, and pray for each other.
In marriage, you are meant to be their safe person, so start that safe space right now. Learn how to communicate now, and it will be easier later. Biggest advice: spare the details; just state what’s going on.
Temptation that stays in the dark has a hold on you. Bring it to the light.
This is the judgment: The light has come into the world, and people loved darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the light and avoids it, so that his deeds may not be exposed. But anyone who lives by the truth comes to the light, so that his works may be shown to be accomplished by God.”
John 3:19:21, CSB
Seek Wise Counsel
You both should seek wise counsel from strong Christian couples. That may look like your parents, couples at your church, or a Biblically-accurate website.
If you choose a website, also try to find a steady couple to ask questions to as well. I’m not giving you permission to avoid human interaction!
To my introverted dismay, the Bible talks a LOT about seeking community and wise counsel. Here’s just a few examples:
- The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. – Proverbs 12:15, ESV
- Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed. – Proverbs 15:22, ESV
- Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11, ESV
The Website, Open Bible, has a list of more verses about wise counsel here.
Write Out Your Goals Together
Don’t write “rules”. Write out godly goals you both want to achieve.
Examples:
1) We desire to keep God in the center of our relationship.
2) If one of us feels tempted towards something, we will tell the other before it gets out of hand.
3) If we make mistakes (sin), we will not allow Satan to convince us that God no longer loves us. We will always repent and move towards a godly relationship everyday.
Accept The Learning Experience
In the name of Jesus, who has given you authority, rebuke sin in your relationship, but accept that your walk with God is a constant learning experience. You don’t get to abuse God’s grace, but God’s grace is sufficient for you when you do sin against Him.
James 4:7-9 explains this the best. It says, “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.“
Growing up, I would get stuck in the lament, believing that my sin was too big for God to forgive. What a slap in God’s face to believe He isn’t big enough or gracious enough to keep His word!
There is a balance, and that balance can only be found when you lament with God, not against Him and His commandments.
Recognize that nobody is perfect. The goal isn’t to “not cross lines”. The goal is to have a God-glorifying relationship. Of course, save sex for marriage, avoid temptation, rebuke Satan in the name of Jesus. All the gritty things? Pray without ceasing, and God will lead you.
Good and upright is the Lord;
Psalm 25:8-11, NKJV
Therefore He teaches sinners in the way.
The humble He guides in justice,
And the humble He teaches His way.
All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth,
To such as keep His covenant and His testimonies.
For Your name’s sake, O Lord,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.
Ultimately, if you sin against God, 1) repent, 2) ask for forgiveness from your partner for leading them into sin or allowing them to lead you into sin, 3) and MOVE ON.
You can move on because God will give you the strength to make better choices. If you convince yourself you are a failure or too far from God’s grace, you’ll only make worse choices.
It won’t be easy, but it will be 1,000% worth the effort!
I say all of this, not to downplay sin, but to remind you that when you follow God’s conviction and surrender your life to God, you have no shame. You are granted access to step on Satan’s head and move on with the amazing life God has in store for you!
And with that, I close this blog post with a prayerful heart. I hope this post was able to help you seek God with a better understanding of His character and pray for your love life like your life depends on it—because it does.
With God, you are courageous, redeemed, and loved beyond measure. You don’t need a partner to be loved and known fully, but if God blesses you with one, seek to show God’s love in the way God shows it to you.
Keep praying & hoping,
Autumn Rebecca
Sunshine in the Haze 
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